My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
