So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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