I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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