no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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