dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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