playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
