remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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