just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
