Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
