You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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