Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
