I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
