I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im holly from the hills drunk
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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