I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Blood and glitter go together right?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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