Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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