Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
