I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize