So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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