conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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