The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
