All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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