I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
