How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
