i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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