also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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