I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
