Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
