Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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