I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
