My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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