Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
