If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
