there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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