my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You ruined the universe
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
