If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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