im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize