Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
