I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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