Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
