Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
