So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
