Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is it because I queefed?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Your penis caused this!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
