her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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