he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
