I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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