Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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