I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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