If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize