I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
