my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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