and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
