my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So many bounce houses so little time
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
