I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
