I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
