I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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