look no pants
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
